Dear Powells,
This weekend I had a near death experience.
I finished the week feeling rather bruised and battered by life and ended the weekend actually bruised and battered by life.
I am in the midst of roughing out the next in the Montgomery BonBon series: no small task at over 100 illustrations and one which—last week—would have benefitted from zero distractions. I was delighted therefore to have every other second (Tues-Friday) interrupted by Raj on Gumtree who wanted the 4 free chairs I had advertised. The chairs were in my London flat—which of course, you know I am selling—and I needed them gone by Friday. Raj seemed to misunderstand the purpose of Gumtree and thought we were beginning a life-long friendship. That is why, by Thursday, I knew he was a man of 60 years old who lived in Greenford in a house that was in desperate need of chairs. He had—and presumably still does— 3 children who he took to school at precisely 8.40am, after they had eaten a breakfast of cereal. This happens everyday, except Tuesdays—why? on this point I am not clear. His favourite colour was blue, but he also liked cream, green and red which was lucky because they were the exact colour of my chairs.
I simply wanted to know if he could collect the chairs by 9.30am on Friday.
Miraculously, he did collect the chairs at the time I had given and re-given repeatedly amongst his 427 messages. He was very grateful for the chairs… I derived some pleasure from this but it soon evaporated when I realised that valuable brain space is now being taken up with Raj’s life story; space that could have been filled with facts about Bulgaria or how to make the perfect Carbonara.
Other exciting events were unfolding on Friday: DPD dropped off a box containing £30 worth of tarpaulin and Mr Partload was en route from the Wirral to collect the remainder of my furniture from the London flat to bring it to Derbyshire. It was touch and go whether Mr P would arrive before my long-suffering neighbour, Pierre, had to leave to go to his teaching post. I paced the lounge waiting for Pierre’s call, unable to relax but (on this occasion) I had nothing to fear: all was well! Mr Partload had made good time on the M1 and, after some confusion about parking restrictions (turns out yellow lines mean the same in London as they do up North) he had located the flat with an hour to spare. Unfortunately, he missed Raj by mere minutes! Such a shame.
Mr P then trundled from London to Derbyshire and arrived earlier than expected—but not early enough for it not to be night-time—at my friends farm where he was welcomed by a starry sky and several sheep. The furniture (a large wardrobe, 2 bedside tables, a kidney shaped dresser and a chest of drawers) was greener than I remembered it being—leprechaun green would be an accurate description—but it was too late to send it back so we put the tarp to good use and sent Mr P on his way with a wave and a tenner tip. I got my car stuck in the mud trying to leave the farm and thought all that had been gained was now lost, but Stefan has recently joined the gym and so he put his new muscles to work with a big heave-ho and all was well… again.
As you can imagine, I was in need of a rest! I decided to take a day off from roughs and go for a pleasant, relaxing walk with some pals on Saturday and so, Hannah, Laura, Lizzie and I headed to Lumsdale in the afternoon with Zeus, Phyllis, Bernie and Bramble (dogs). The day was perfect walking weather - mild temperature, a light and refreshing breeze and the orange bracken set against a blue sky and a babbling brook made me feel I was walking through a Constable painting. I did not overheat in my 3 top layers (a first) and I was glad of my choice not to wear long johns (Who is Long John? Was he long? Does he know his name is synonymous with thermal leggings?!)
We stopped at The Bentley Brook pub for a non-alcoholic beer and a packet of crisps, after which I had an exhilarating moment where I was put in charge of two dogs, whilst we all took turns to spend a penny. I handled it well despite some internal reservations and no dogs were harmed in the 90 seconds I was in charge of them. We then set off on leg two of our journey and I was just thinking what a nice time I was having when…
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